That one comes up early, usually in a smaller voice than the rest of the hour. I’ll answer it with you as straight as I can, then go looking for where it’s still costing you on a day when nothing’s wrong.
Roughly half of what gets said in this hour is going to be mine. You’ll hear what I’m thinking while I’m thinking it, including the parts you were hoping I’d keep to myself.
Insight is cheap in here. What I want is for something to be different within a few days, and I’ll ask you about your progress when I see you next.
“I don’t know what it feels like to be loved.” People tell me that after they’ve explained their own childhood to me accurately, in order, with dates, and having the explanation hasn’t moved the feeling one inch.
So I’ll step into that role on purpose. If your father went quiet whenever you needed something from him, then you’re going to need something from me out loud, and I’ll be right there when you ask.
What happened with a parent gets to happen again in this room, with someone on the other side of it who answers differently. That reaches something an accurate account of your childhood never gets near.
You’ll know when we’re doing it, because I’ll tell you. Nothing in here happens to you without your knowing what it’s for, and you can call it off in the middle.
Most weeks you’ll leave with an assignment. It’ll be small and specific enough that you can’t reasonably talk yourself out of it by Wednesday.
One of mine is to say, “I’m a good person” ten times, out loud, before the next session. It feels ridiculous. Do it anyway.
You’ve been running a sentence about yourself since you were small, and nobody asked whether you wanted it. Ten repetitions of a sentence you picked is how the overwriting starts.
I’m EMDR trained. Some memories hold their charge no matter how many times you tell the story, and EMDR is how we work one of those on purpose, in a set sequence.
How you feel about all of it makes sense to me, and I mean that. I’ll also say the thing you were hoping I’d leave alone, because being liked by you isn’t the job.
You’ll always know where you stand with me.
This works best with adults who’ll do something between sessions, who’ll try an approach they didn’t choose, and who don’t want to settle in as the injured party. If that isn’t what you’re after,
I only work with adults, in person in Lake Tahoe and online anywhere in California, alone or as a couple. Children and teenagers need a different therapist, and I’ll tell you that up front.
I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and an active one. I ask a lot of questions, I say what I make of your answers on the spot, and I raise the uncomfortable subject myself, usually before you’ve decided whether you want to.
If something from my own life would be useful to you, you’ll hear about it. You’ll also hear me disagree with you out loud, and I’d like you to disagree back.
The people I work with have usually done therapy before and gotten something out of it. They come in knowing how to use an hour, and they want to be pushed.
The work starts with a free consultation. I’ll spend it telling you how I’d go at the thing you most want changed, so have one ready.
My favorite day in your therapy is the day you tell me you don’t need me anymore. I’m aiming at it from the first session.
You’ll get a therapist who says the hard thing instead of waiting for you to find it yourself. What I ask back is short, and none of it is easy.
Do that, and you get to find out which parts of this life you’d pick.
